A Year Since ‘Dysphoric’ – I wish it was all good news!

On January 29, 2021, I was to upload and launch my film ‘Dysphoric’ online; a project I had dedicated myself to for more than a year. My excitement and nerves were off the charts; I could have sworn my heart was beating louder than the noise of field artillery. The days leading up to the launch were riddled with nausea, dry mouth; nights were spent mostly sleepless with a series of obscure nightmares. Similarly, the days after the launch caused paranoia, profound anxiety, and a total loss of appetite.

When I think about it almost a whole year later, those vexatious feelings continue to remain palpable.

‘Dysphoric’ is a four-part documentary series exploring the rise of gender identity ideology and its effects on women and girls – especially in developing countries. In our dystopian world where misogyny is rampant, and womanhood is commodified, being female comes at a cost. Corporates capitalise on women’s bodies blurring the lines of biological sex, and profiting from the emperically untested pseudo-science of queer theory. Queer theory asserts that gender is inate, and our sexed bodies are a social construction ‘assigned’ at birth. This gaslighting is aided by the complicity of the media, academia, legal and the political world. It is no surprise that young girls are fleeing womanhood like a house on fire.

The past decade has seen a steep rise in the number of young girls seeking to transition- undergoing life threatening, irreversible procedures. I decided to bring together testimonies of about twenty experts who question gender transition, and explain honestly the permanent medical side-effects of hormones and surgeries, to challenge the propaganda coming from ‘woke’ corporations. I was sick of seeing thousands of stereotypical ‘gender’ presentations coalesced as fashion, a surge in pronoun policing, language hijacking- which includes calling women ‘menstruators’, and the culling of voices trying to question this modern-day misogyny. So I dug myself a hole peak pandemic, and emerged with a film that permanently extricated me from my shameful liberal feminist past.

How did it all start?

In 2019, I discovered that I had become a social outcast in liberal-feminist bastions. I was in the US for an exchange programme, and I wanted to use the opportunity to screen a film project at various places while I travelled within the country. A screening was scheduled in New York, organised by the Polis Project. But a week before the screening, the organiser (also a woman of Indian origin) sent me an email stating curtly that they don’t wish to proceed as planned. She said the event was cancelled because of my ‘transphobic’ views. The film in question- ‘But what was she wearing?’- my groundbreaking documentary about workplace sexual harassment in India faced by working women. It had nothing to do with ‘gender ideology’ whatsoever. The Polis Project thought it right to shelve a screening of a film about a pressing topic that affects women across all social stratas. All because I stated biological sex is not a social construct, that women’s sex-based oppression is real, and that housing people with male genitalia in spaces with victims of male sexual violence can be harrowing for women. When I was cancelled, I went through a series of emotions ranging from amusement, anger and bewilderment. Since they pulled an important film from screening because of what I tweeted in a personal capacity, I decided to openly approach this topic through my films too. On January 29, 2021, that dream was realised.

I am still actively cancelled in India and have lost friends and family over the gender debate. But ever since I made ‘Dysphoric’, I feel like a load is off my chest. I made it as a response to every single ‘gender identity’ strawman thrown at me by basement dwelling  online idiots. I thought it would help them understand my position. I was wrong.

The launch day anxiety

Though I had no doubts in my mind about the harms of this cult-like ideology, the fear of missing or getting some aspects wrong was a constant. The film went through several edit iterations in which I feverishly made sure every single (even trivial) detail was touched upon. I also felt crippled by raging ‘imposter syndrome’. Having faced so much animosity previously, I was spiralling down an unfounded paranoia that feminists whom I admire, will repudiate me and my work. I was terrified to break the trust my interviewees had put in me when they readily and generously offered their time and expertise. On the technical side, I was worried that some of the speakers, for whatever reason, would want their portion removed from the film. The labour and time required to accommodate such changes/ removals are as good as making a whole new film. Censorship was a serious concern.  I was worried YouTube would reject or ban my films. YouTube continues to shadow ban my work, periodically remove the ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ underneath each video, categorise my films as unfit and make the algorithm work against it.  Thankfully the films endure on the platform.

When the films were ready to watch, I sat staring at my computer refreshing the screen, bracing myself for vitriol and hate. I told myself that if I sought it, it would be somehow less painful. Social media posts about the official launch started getting picked up by women. I felt too weak to even swallow. Days turned to weeks, then to months, by which I was moved to tears reading the heartwarming messages from women the world over.

‘Dysphoric’ became a partial-success

I will continue to call it partial-success because I check the analytics of the film and wonder how the ‘views’ never go up anymore; while videos on similar topics spoken by men for example, do better. ‘Dysphoric’, on average, did poorly compared to 95% of all videos on YT, but it is hard to put a finger on a single reason. As of 2019, it was revealed that users upload more than 500 hours of fresh videos per minute. This number skyrocketed during the pandemic owing to all the free time and porn content that’s readily available. Yet, I wonder why they go after small players like me. As for marketing the film, despite my constant emails– the Indian media refused to write about it which was a huge setback. Foreign media, that often glorify films from a third world filmmaker, considered mine to be ‘too controversial’ perhaps. Since women’s pain is only entertaining when it’s pre-packaged for male pleasure and commodification, ‘Dysphoric’ didn’t stand a chance.

Films, much like politics, require a great deal of lobbying. There is something about the packaging of women’s plight that gives the liberals a perverse gratification in supporting a cause. A practice that filmmakers like me– who don’t cash in on tears– are deprived of. ‘Dysphoric’ didn’t victimise its women, it told their stories with empathy and courage. The experts didn’t mince words, nor did they play to the gallery. Truth can’t be sugar coated.

I appreciate that people have to seek the film and given the availability of so much media online, mine may not be prioritised. One could assume there is no market for such a topic. But the relative success of several short compilation pieces on the very topic is evidence that there is definitely a greater audience out there. I find myself shouting into the abyss much of the time, because a woman’s voice from India seems not to have the same weight as a white man’s from the West. I have felt the frustration from frequently being patronised– by men yes, but most infuriatingly by several women too. An innocuous example of this: during interactions about gender, I have been asked– I would like to think with good intentions– if I understand the meaning of a certain word they had used, amongst my own equally abstruse vocabulary.  Rest assured, if I’m unsure of anything I can ask for myself! 

Despite the strides I have made, I feel crippled by a personal self-doubt, and doubt in regards to my work. The aforementioned experiences don’t make life any easier.  I used to brush them off most of the time;  but we live in an era of supercharged stereotyping where people are defined by their adherence to archaic gender roles, so I don’t think it’s paranoia to consider that equally archaic race stereotyping still exists. In the larger scheme of things, I would reassure myself that these strange, unexpected incidents don’t matter; and that I should look at the positives alone. But if I want to consider myself part of a movement, I would like women to tell me my shortcomings, and here, I am politely pointing out my experiences for others to introspect on.

No takers for ‘Dysphoric’ in India

‘Dysphoric’ has testimonies from academics, detransitioners, psychotherapists, sociologists, activists, endocrinologists, parents and researchers. I hoped for young girls in my country who battle with their distress to watch it and know that they are not alone. While transition is being so brazenly advertised, I wanted young women to make decisions after carefully assessing the risks pointed out in my film.

I am quite sure I suffered from dysphoria of some kind, and in the late 80s, my small town didn’t offer much in the way of explaining my condition. When I had no support system, everyone blamed me for the abuse that was done to my body. The decision to hate myself bode well with society- it could keep me under the thumb. This female derision was not uncommon in my time, most of my friends knew we were dealt cards we are bound to lose with. Almost all of us wished we were a man, given how the male sex class are offered an abundance of opportunity and get away with a plethora of misdeeds.

Fast forward more than three decades, this same body hatred is pretty much intact in all youngsters I see and interact with. I deeply empathise with women and girls suffering from dysphoria and perhaps, in my own way, I understand it as a personal experience too. But the way the world is claiming to solve or deal with it is preposterous and criminal. Thanks to the internet, the vulnerability endemic in young girls, and the tenets of Dr. Butler’s Queer Theory the market of trans surgery seems to have well and truly arrived in my country. Indian parents have reached out to me about their children with  ROGD (Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria). A first of a kind interview with an Indian ROGD mom is coming soon. Subscribe, so you don’t miss it.

Through ‘Dysphoric’, I want young girls to take pride in being women, and embrace womanhood by shunning all stereotypes attached to it. I want the stories of detransitioned women to get the mainstream attention they deserve amid the cacophony of TRA voices. Based on the radio silence from Indian media, I am disheartened to see my wishes go begging.

The women who championed ‘Dysphoric’

The film was made by a largely female crew, and each one of us has remained committed to the cause. I am so grateful for the lifelong friendships I have made with them in the process. Their support pulled me out of several dark places during the course of making the film. Watching the ghastly surgical procedures that never healed, and young girls crying helplessly as they regret their decisions could send any half decent human spiralling down the abyss. I remember holding a pillow against my body, and frequent trips to the toilet to throw up while researching botched surgeries. I had to watch them all. Thankfully, I had my crew to share my plight with.

Several conversations worldwide with women whose children chose to transition moved me to tears. Their worry felt like my own, and I was just as helpless as them. Such messages keep coming even now, with moms who have thanked me for making ‘Dysphoric’ and keeping it free to watch. When I read them, every single sleepless night spent editing feels worthwhile. I only hope these daughters reconsider their decisions sooner rather than later. 

Young women have confided in me to say that the film has helped them reconsider transition, and these women require a special mention. Those private messages are the Oscars and Emmys this film has received, and I will forever display them over my imaginary mantlepiece.

I am also indebted to all the women who promoted ‘Dysphoric’ by interviewing me for their channels. It is a matter of pride (and disbelief, at times) that the film has subtitles in ten languages. It was only possible because of the voluntary efforts of some remarkable people who spent hours translating the film with suitable additions to ensure cultural nuance. Also, I express gratitude for every single share/RT/recommendations/comments and reviews online. All this has helped make up for the cold indifference I got from the Indian media.

What is my next project?

India, it seems, is way past the threshold of debates or discussions. The voice of an individual citizen like me does not stand a chance against the highly influential lobbyists, several of whom stand to benefit from this directly. Chief Justices/ politicians/ media persons are using ‘trans-speak’ to fervently campaign for ‘equal rights’ of ‘trans people’ with no knowledge of the complete picture.

Despite the shadow bans, media silence, and loss of friendships, I have resolved to keep raising my voice. It is one of the reasons why I created this e-zine while continuing with my film work.

My upcoming film exposes the plight of women whose husbands/partners opted to ‘transition’ (socially or otherwise). This feature-length documentary on AGPs/ men with late onset dysphoria is in its research stage at the moment. Twenty exceptional women have shared their stories with me so far, and several experts will weigh in on the subject.

I would love for you to help me with my films, and ensure I can keep it free to watch. You can write to me or paypal me at limesodafilms@gmail.com. Like I have always maintained, I am not ‘anti’ anything except the endless derivative forms of misogyny. I am a woman, an adult human female, I can’t identify out of my sex class nor my oppression. But I can challenge it, resist and fight it. I choose to fight; even if it helps just a single female.  For that one woman, all the toil in the world seems worth it.

I am not foolish enough to believe my generation or the two generations after me will reap the full benefit of this fight. But I dream of a day in the very distant future where Indian women and girls will find freedom, safety, and dignity.

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